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Retirement and Dètente

Scene I

He says: Joanne’s gotten so touchy since I retired. When I see more efficient ways she could do things and make suggestions, she gets all huffy.

She says: Since Rick retired, he’s been telling me how I should do what I’ve been doing for 45 years. So, now he’s the expert? I’ve done a darn good job of taking care of this house and him. He’s making me crazy.

Scene II

He says: I’ve spent the last 45 years providing for my family. It’s time to relax and enjoy a life without pressures and demands.

She says: John lives in that recliner. My schedule has taken a back seat to his TV shows and daily naps. It doesn’t feel like my house anymore. You’d think he could occasionally vacuum or load the dishwasher.

Scene III

He says: Oh man, I finally have the freedom to get out and do more of what I love—golfing, fishing, working on my classic car. I’ve dreamed about this for a long time.

She says: I was really looking forward to Greg’s retirement. I thought we’d be taking some side trips together, having lunch with friends, seeing an afternoon movie, . . . but he’s never around.

These are common complaints. In each case, the couples held different expectations about retirement, and it is said this may be contributing to an increased divorce rate for older couples.

Suddenly, two people who have spent most of their waking hours apart, find that the house has shrunk by half and their whole dynamic has changed. Add to this that many couples don’t develop common interests over the years and now must face that fact.

Japanese physician, Nobuo Kurokawa of Osaka, believes that 60% of older women suffer from (no joke) RHS—Retired Husband Syndrome, which includes a variety of ailments. Kurokawa says all these women manifest the same physical symptoms. (Online, see Retired Husband Syndrome.)

Before retirement, spouses need to sit down together to discuss their expectations—everything from finances to division of labor to leisure activities. These discussions should also include learning to appreciate the other’s position, then working toward compromise.

The retiring husband often feels he has lost power, identity, and importance—that his role has been diminished, and he has no more to contribute. This is especially true if his career included supervising others, or if he’s been forced out by health issues or company downsizing. Without a hobby or other outlet, the only place he has left is his home.

The wife, even though she worked outside the home, has usually run the household and may feel her place and her contributions there are being devalued or usurped. Resentment begins to build on both sides.

Each partner should, if possible, have a separate zone in the house where they can escape for alone time. Or they might develop a hobby, spend time at the library, join a club, volunteer, take on part-time employment. The couples’ together-time should be determined jointly.

He says: I’ve dialed back on the advice. Now Joanne’s more willing to hear suggestions I do make, even if she doesn’t always agree with them.

She says: I know John deserves his retirement, but so do I. We’re trying to be more considerate about sharing the chores.

He says: She and I reserve two or three days a week to pursue our own activities—I golf, she plays Bridge or goes to Zumba.

She says: Two days a week we save for each other—getting away overnight, taking classes, binge watching our favorite shows.

Partners can either learn to be compatible or spend the rest of their lives avoiding each other. It’s your retirement. Make it a happy one.

Constance Watkins

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Simplify, Simplify

Remember that Thanksgiving you dropped the green bean casserole on the way to the table? Or when the cat found the dessert you put atop the car in the garage to cool? How about the year you tried a new stuffing recipe that was an insult to your turkey?

Hopefully, those mishaps didn’t ruin your mood and everyone else’s day. In retrospect, how important are they? Remember that guests can be very forgiving, and they’re probably just glad it wasn’t them this time around!

Arabella always began her meal preparation on the very day of the big dinner­baking pies, assembling casseroles, cleaning and stuffing the turkey. As her morning of cooking for 20-plus guests wore on in the too-small kitchen, so did her frustration, until tension and stress became the order of the day. This is probably not the tone you wish to set for your guests.

Had Arabella followed a few of these tips, chances are her mood would have been more celebratory. There are shortcuts all hosts and hostesses can take to ease the stress of holiday entertaining, and the Internet is full of helpful suggestions.

1. Cut down on the decorating.

2. Focus your house-cleaning only in areas where entertaining will occur. (If you lock the bedroom doors, you won’t even have to make the beds!)

3. Do as much baking and prep cooking as possible in advance.

4. Save your best silver and fragile glassware for less hectic seasons when you have more time to polish and hand-wash them.

5. If someone offers to bring a dish or to help in any way, graciously accept.

6. Your reputation as a great cook won’t be tarnished if you prepare your own one or two specialties and purchase pre-made sides or desserts. In some cases, it’s cheaper to buy an entire prepared meal.

7. Forget about composing and sending an annual newsletter.

8. Give one whole-family gift instead of many individual ones (tickets to a special event, a family-friendly video game, a Blu-Ray DVD player).

Recognize that some things will be out of your control, for instance, when the
Christmas tree falls on top of the children (no injuries), or the oven quits working halfway through roasting the bird. You wouldn’t be the first to serve Big Macs with your cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. Whatever can be done to simplify the meal and other preparations will let you and your guests enjoy the special day. You don’t want to be so stressed and
anxious that your guests feel uncomfortable. Maya Angelou, American author and Poet Laureate, observed: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Whichever holiday you will be celebrating this season, when your door opens to family and friends, may it pour forth a warm welcome, joy, and grace. And may all of you feel it long after. To your health, and Happy Holidays to all!

Article by Constance Watkins

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Take The Bus!

Admit it. Watching travelers pour out of a bus at Cracker Barrel, your 20-30-40year-old self said, “You’ll never catch me on a bus tour!” What are the chances that you could change your mind? Still skeptical? Please read on.

If you think about it, a bus can be a hassle-free way to travel. Just consider: No planning an itinerary, no booking flights, hotels and rental cars, no mixed-up reservations, no lining up travel insurance, or paying cab fares. Just select your destination, figure your budget and time frame, and for one price (frequently discounted for seniors), you’re on your way! You can visit the places you want to see, meet people from many parts of the world, and arrive relaxed. You could even develop some new friendships.

Bus travel is relatively inexpensive. M. S. Beltran offers good advice in an Internet article, “A Guide to Cross-Country Bussing.” Beltran states, “Advanced purchase tickets are usually cheaper than last minute,” and advises that you arrive at least an hour before departure to ensure a good seat. You may want to check out this site for further information on baggage restrictions, optional travel passes, stopovers, special pricing, etc.

Seated above the traffic in a bus, you can view as well as photograph the scenery. Driving requires keeping eyes on the road and dodging drivers who don’t. Many beautiful and interesting sights go unnoticed. Have you ever missed your exit because you were sandwiched between semis and couldn’t see the exit marker? Let the bus driver worry about that.

A bus trip eliminates the frustration of trying to find your way around. While using a GPS is immensely helpful, it’s still possible to encounter an unexpected detour. (“Recalculating, recalculating.”)

An added advantage is safety in unfamiliar areas, especially at night. To unsavory types, nothing screams “Opportunity!” like senior citizens wandering around dark streets in an out-of-state Volvo.

Even though your driver deposits you at pre-planned destinations, you still have the option of deciding what to see when you arrive. You won’t be herded like so many dumb sheep. While some of your fellow travelers choose to tour the hat factory, you may prefer to visit the World’s Best Fudge Shoppe across the street. (Choices can really make or break your trip–fudge sounds fun!)

Another bonus—because the bus delivers you right to your destination, you’ll save wear and tear on those hips, knees, and feet for exploring only the sights you came to see instead of wasting time and energy trekking to or between them. Why be the knackered guy nursing a Slurpy on the bench while others are refreshed and enjoying the attractions?

What’s more, at no extra cost you’ll receive a little education since tour bus drivers are also tour guides, able to inform and entertain with cultural and other interesting facts along the route.

Are you beginning to view bus tours in a more positive light? There are numerous tour sites and packages online to choose from. It would also be helpful to enquire among friends and associates about their tour experiences.

Now, go select your adventure, make the call, and pack for the activities you’ll be enjoying. Don’t forget to check the weather. Happy traveling!

Article by Constance Watkins

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Ready To Downsize?

How much of your life experience have you really been able to anticipate with accuracy? You plan your career, plot financial and family goals, carve out retirement dreams, but then find yourself in a different place entirely. English poet Edmund Spenser speaks of “The ever-whirling wheel of Change.”

Today’s senior generation probably never imagined raising grandchildren while caring for elderly parents. They may never have imagined grown children moving back home. They may even have imagined remaining in their present home for the rest of their lives. But then “The ever-whirling wheel of Change” rolled in.

During their early 50s, empty-nesters Wallace and Rose built and furnished a spacious two-story home, intended to be their final residence. They were grateful to have the space when each of their children moved back in temporarily, and during the period they helped raise a grandchild.

Over time however, the stairs became a challenge for Wallace. And, as much as she loved her home, Rose too began thinking about the benefits of a smaller, one-level house. Thus, began the business of downsizing. Here is what they learned.

The first step was to assess how much smaller they could go without being cramped. Did they want a house or a condo? Did they still want to maintain a yard? How close to healthcare and shopping would they need to be? Finding a place that met their criteria, which furnishings would fit within the smaller footprint?

Measuring their furniture against room sizes in the new house, and noting the placement of doors and windows, Rose found she would
have to sell her much-loved trestle table that had hosted so many happy family dinners. Wallace’s over-sized recliner would also have to go.

In checking the size and number of closets and kitchen cabinets in the new home, they found it practical to purchase clear plastic bins for additional storage.

They also learned that downsizing requires examining everything you own. It meant stripping every closet, cabinet, drawer, and shelf, putting back only frequently-used items. The remainder was bagged or boxed to sell or give away.

Rose recommends being brutally honest about how often you use an item, and whether you’re keeping a gizmo or gadget for “someday.” Include everything in your assessment–from furniture to books, kitchenware to room décor.

When you finish with the living areas, move on to the attic, the basement, garage/shed, and repeat the process. And when packing, be sure to label each box!

Anything you can’t bear to part with, but for which you won’t have room can be put in storage until you’re ready to dispose of it. (Rose now loves the idea that her big table is filling the need for another growing family.)

Utilize websites such as vci.net, eBay and Craigslist, as well as consignment stores to sell your items. Remember Goodwill, The Salvation Army and other local organizations for donating the rest.

Wallace says that on moving day, it’s best to bring in and place the large furniture first, room by room, to avoid the nuisance of scattered furnishings and stacks of boxes. Stash storage items well out of the way.

Since you’ve labeled the boxes and kept only what you need, unpacking should be reasonably simple and orderly.

Wallace and Rose have moved enough times in their long lives to know it’s always an ordeal, but having simplified their lifestyle, they’re content, even while recognizing that more changes undoubtedly loom on the horizon.

Perhaps Washington Irving* captured this essence of change when he penned, “There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse; as I have found in traveling in a stage-coach, that it is often a comfort to shift one’s position and be bruised in a new place.”

*American writer, 1783-1859

Article by Constance Watkins

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The Neighborhood Connection

Summer smiles upon us and we smile back. The heart feels brighter, our step lighter, and our soul responds to the explosion of earth’s renewing life and beauty. It’s a time for planting, for walks, and casual outdoor conversation with neighbors.

Could there be a better time for a block party to re-acquaint ourselves with each other, unite the neighborhood, and share some fun?

Holding a party of this size first involves recruiting a few others to meet with you and help launch the event.

Distribute flyers or emails to let everyone know what you’re planning, and then gather volunteers to work out the details: date, time, location. Will you collect donations for beverages and meats, with each household bringing one potluck dish or dessert, or will everyone provide their own complete meal?

You’ll want to locate the gathering where neighbors who don’t care to participate won’t be disturbed. Be considerate of others if you’re planning to have music, dancing, or karaoke. Is there a cul-de-sac, a nooutlet street, or vacant lot in the area? You may need to ask permission to use your chosen spot.

Contact local authorities about the law and any necessary permits if you wish to block off a portion of the street.

Since participants of all ages will be present, activities could include tables for cards, board games, or chess; a treasure hunt, face painting and races for the youngsters. Will any of the neighbors be willing to set up badminton or croquet in their yards? Does anyone own horseshoes and stakes?

For dining, long tables rather than small ones are preferable for encouraging people to get better acquainted with those they may not know well. Guests will of course bring their own lawn chairs. If possible, arrange seating to allow greater opportunity for mingling.

And let’s not forget that Mother Nature never misses an outdoor event. Being her capricious self, she will require you to have a contingency plan in case of rain, high winds, typhoon . . . .

Setting up a registration table with name tags and a sign-in sheet for contact information will enable volunteers to create and send out a neighborhood directory afterwards.

When all plans are in place, send the invitations with all the pertinent details—date, time, place, potluck dishes needed, who to contact if they want to help with clean-up, and how any money will be collected. Add a request for tables, grills, coolers, or trash cans people can donate for the occasion.

If your event will be a couple of weeks or more in the future, send a brief reminder as the date approaches.

This should be an afternoon of relaxation, of face-to-face interaction, food and fun. Leave the politics and the electronic gadgets at home. Share the smiles. It’s love-thy-neighbor time!

Article by Constance Watkins